You are stronger

My best friend just got separated from her partner. She has been together with this guy for almost 6 years. He walked her through her best part of life. They survived from a semi- long distance relationship in England for almost 4 years.  But they did not manage to get it through this year. It is going to be a long long year for C and I am questioning myself over and over again. Is love trustworthy? I think the love is trustworthy but the feeling is not. Feelings can change over time but love remains unchanged. You can tell me that isn't feeling should be part of love. Yes, it is. Feeling is part of love but also because it is just a part of love, you love should not change your love towards someone when your feeling changed. I feel sad for you C. I like him a lot as your partner but if God has a better man for you. I will patient be with you and wait ( have fun ) with you along the way. It takes time heal but i know it will because you are stronger.

x

Bertie, paraprostatic cyst

I am studying about paraprostatic cyst. My heart aches because it reminds me of you, Bertie. 

I miss you so much I even open my other blog just to stare at your picture for awhile. 

I am not the one who you spent most of your life with. But I am the one who you spend most of the last part of life journey with. I hope you are happily running, eating hard boil chicken breast and urinating happily in somewhere called heaven. 

Too much emotion to be expressed after the crazy zombie thought. 

This is my little mind drawer that i can tell a little bit of my thought without speaking to someone. I am sitting in front of a computer in the computer lab at 10:30pm. 

I am going to have my first exam on coming Saturday. 

I am going to start revising Male reproduction surgery for small animals. I am extremely exhausted from the notes and stress. 

I can't believe I am start zoning out and think about Zombies. Yes, I am thinking about zombies. The door is at my left hand side. I am staring at the door and thinking what I can use to defend if a zombie burst into the room and start attacking me. 

The first thing i saw is the dirty metal fork from my lunch box. I just had pasta for dinner. Would the fork be able to save me? 

Nah, i need something bigger, so i start to think as if i am playing L4D. Hm,  a stack of paper or a cord attached telephone...? well, I should stop by now. It is just my crazy dream to procrastinate about my reproduction exam on Sat. I need a break ...Seriously.

Oops! Holidays

Holiday has begun.

I will try to blog again. *cough*

stay tune guys!

I do not know if you understand my feeling.
I feel happy but I can feel the uncertainty underneath it.
It is like you are on the rollar coaster, the cart is moving up slowly and you will know what happen next.
The cart starts falling down from the peak and crashes into the trough in a short time.
Can you feel the gravity?
Yes, but barely. This is how i feel now.

i blogged because of you Kate!
haha.

well, l am thinking of going to EWB in 2011.


http://ewb.hct.ac.ae/

This is a conference which is for uni and college students. There will be 1000 students all over the world. They will gather in Dubai and discuss global issue.
I am so obssesed with this event because I was a participant and an organizing committee of International Model United Nation in HK . It is a conference which is for secondary school students. This event means too much for me. I gained a group of life-long good friends and also a more mature and critical mind.

I share this news with you because i am reli excited about it!
But i m short of cash to buy the air tix..


xx

一個旅人

這次的單身旅程 僅有的孤身隻影
迎著淒風冷雨看風景
把記憶的醱與甜 擠進每一封信件
離愁沒有厭 遺留在每咖啡店

明信片 沒六十字 密密儘是 異地故事
如像有妳傾聽心聲一次又一次
郵匯局在定義 舊日憾事 沒甚了次
或是每件事 昨日我未在意

從前從不懂 全程能相擁
仍然藏著暗湧 是我舊日故步自封
明白從前不懂 全程能相擁
仍然和妳撲空 留下了我一個在痛

不懂得編輯旅程 只記得孤單遂境
還是不怎愛去看風景

花半生追趕太傻 不見得開花結果
還是剩了我 全程念掛妳一個

明信片 沒六十字 密密儘是 異地故事
如像有妳傾聽心聲一次又一次
郵匯局在定義 舊日憾事 沒甚了次
或是每件事 昨日我未在意

從前從不懂 全程能相擁
仍然藏著暗湧 是我舊日故步自封
明白從前不懂 全程能相擁
仍然和妳撲空 留下了我一個在痛

I have just put myself in such a sarcastic situation. I just make myself suffer.
i am such an idiot.

When the first time you did something wrong you can still claim yourself as innocent, but when you did it wrong again i would just call myself stupid.

sigh.

Things i have to do before coming back

1. buy xmas presents to host family
2. Buy present for Cheryl
3. Go to cancel the ANZ debit card
4. withdraw enough money for homestay mum

my computer just does not allow me to type chinese.
--

OKAY.

i said when i feel kinda jealous about it, i know it is time for me to step back and leave you.
i thought i m open-minded enough to accept this friendship, unfortunately, i am not sophisticated enough.

maybe i would just leave.

I do not want anymore than I have from you now,
it is because I am a hopeless pessimist who have no confidence in persistant devotion.

我以為我終於學會如何放手.
聽見真相之後, 我禁不住跟V說,

' 我對她真的很失望. 因為你嬲一個人, 總會一天會放下她說過的話和做過的事. 但若果你對一個人失望, 便是死心, 沒有轉彎的餘地. '

V說, ' 對呀, 她是如此不堪的話, 又何苦勉強自己去資繼續和她做朋友呢. '

' 嗯. '

想不到一星期之後, 我仍然和她在說話.
連我自己也不能相信, 她的說話如此惡劣. 我還會真誠的去當她做我的朋友.
我不是大量, 只是忘不了她對過我的好.

忘不了, 你那一晚對我的支持.
但當你繪形繪聲數落我的時候, 你又有想起過我的好 ?

If i am strong enough to resist your call or message, i think i would choose to leave permanantly.
It is not because you have done anything wrong, it is because you are such a big influence to my life and nothing can be altered since my situation does not allow me to ask anything more from you to secure my feeling.

how much effort should be put into a relationship that is reagarded as appropriate?

If the world is going to end in 2012,
what would i want to do before i die?

possibilities :

1) give up my study
2) travel around the world
3) Eat everything that i want to
4) Hug every person i know
5) Tell the person i love and ask her to stay with me for the rest of time
6) Not to argue with anyone
7) Makesure the day will come before i do all things that listed above.



--

Feeling a lot better today.
I really hope its merely a random emotion down turn.

i dun know, but it is good for me.
This is the best situation that i can get.

My dear.

It is just too messy to be expressed.

--

i have a lot to pour out.
i wanna tell you i dreamt of you and her.
You went away with her and left me in the dark.
i realize how much i wish you to be with me now and how insecure i feel in order to have this dream.
But it is such a sarcastic situation as well, i just do not have qualification to claim i do not feel secure and you should show more concern to me. i know you have been trying so hard. i just do not when i will be able to regain my confidence from the last experience.

Sigh.

i thought i am such a strong independent girl, i am just a little bird which needs a lot of love and concern so as to fly high.

你不在

演唱：王力宏　作詞：李焯雄/陳鎮川　作曲：王力宏　

當世界只剩下這床頭燈　你那邊是早晨已經出門
我側身感到你在轉身　無數陌生人正在等下一個綠燈
一再錯身彼此脆弱的時分　如果渴望一個吻的餘溫
我關了燈黑暗把我拼吞 wo


你不在　當我最需要愛　你卻不在 wo
無盡等待像獨白的難挨 wo
你不在　高興還是悲哀　你都不在
我受了傷在偷偷好起來　但你不在　不在


時間再按下許多次快門　沉默裡聽見轉動的秒針
一個人吃飯這個凌晨　孤單一人份　你低聲說你有別人
我的話筒只有自己的體溫　怎樣認真也不一定成真
你說的對　我不得不承認 wo


你不在　當我最需要愛　你卻不在 wo
無盡等待像獨白的難挨 wo
你不在　高興還是悲哀　你都不在 wo
我受了傷再偷偷好起來　但你不在 wo

那些搖擺　我都明白　都明白
但你不在　愛已不在　不在

你不在　當我最需要愛　你卻不在 wo
一個人分飾兩角的戀愛 wo
你不在　高興還是悲哀　你都不在 wo

像空氣般不存在　再沒有痕跡的愛
你不在　當我需要你的愛　你不在

安全感

你有能力的話, 請你送我安全感.
至於自己, 我也許更需要的是自信.

從前成績不算好但起碼英文也給予我一定的自信.
但現在身處的地方, 英文好也不過是一票入場卷.
再者, 到了澳洲就更發現自己英文只是不過不失.

你也許可以說我是一個獸醫學生, 腦袋也不會太差吧.
由此至終我都是認為運氣推了我一把,
把我擠進了聰明人的世界.

這個不屬於我的世界,
委實帶不了我安全感.

--

世界上只剩下兩件事能給予我自信.
繪畫和攝影.

但可憐我每次踏進攝影棚前我也不禁在想
只靠直覺去按快門的我
如若直覺失效, 我還剩下甚麼.

這麼一個人, 還剩下甚麼.

她在電話裡頭跟我說她的頭常常也在痛, 看了大學的駐場醫生, 得到的診斷幾乎是理所當然的壓力太大和休息不夠之云云. 她還得到了一大袋的必理痛.

常吃止痛藥當然不是一件好事, 但常吃降膽固醇的藥又會怎樣呢?

話音剛落, 忍不住拿出了家中的存貨, 把那藍白色的膠樽看了一遍.
才發現原來我每日吃上兩回的藥叫Gemfibrozil.
吃了整整三年了, 連在吃什麼也不知道.
可我還在說自己在讀medical field相關的科目.

沒有pharmacology書在家, 也有wikipedia 隨時候命.
不看還好, 看了真的連吃午飯的心情也沒有.
那林林種種的副作用, 膽石呀,肌肉疼痛, 腸痛等等... 真的會讓人意志消沉的.
在各大的副作用中, 最要命的一定是 "it increases the risk of cancers. "
究竟會是什麼的cancer, 死得了的嗎?
看完我只好跟自己說foodnotes 得這樣少, wikipedia又不一定準確.
也不用那麼心灰意冷.

對嘛, 反正能健康老死的人真不多.
位置那麼少, 又怎能勉強它給我強留一隅.
努力讀書, 用有限的生命去豐富別人的好像還比較有意義.